Counting Down the Days Now

Ohhhh man.. how do I say this in an understandable way..

I recently bought a ticket to go home early, and to stay home.. but I am but I'm still trying to get excited about it, and please let me explain why.  I mean initially, when Scott and I talked about dates and finally picked one, and I bought my ticket, I was ecstatic.  I hate ambiguity, I hate gray, I hated not knowing when I was actually going to be coming home.  So putting a date on it was both relieving and exciting.

However, as Scott can attest, I am still swinging back and forth on the emotional pendulum.  I am still struggling here, so much so, that I can't even see the 14th of July (when I go home).  It is only three weeks away and I know as time passes I will definitely become more excited.  But right now, I can't even see Monday, let alone the middle of July.  I am on my knees and elbows, crawling, just one day at a time to still get through this.  I can't even look at a calendar and be phased, for I am only looking at today.  Friday and Saturday were pretty horrible and included a lot of crying and a lot of support from my loving and caring boyfriend.  I am not out of the woods yet, in my mind anyway, and am just trying to make it through these next three weeks.  I still spend every day without my love, away from the life I am supposed to be a part of..  I want to stop crying, stop feeling sad, stop yearning for home..  I just still really need that day to be here.

With that said, I am grateful that there is a definitive end date now, grateful that I can be honest with my boss about why I can't be here anymore, grateful that I am able to get this "secret" of going home off my chest to him and my landlord and co-worker.  Grateful at the fact that I can show enthusiasm about knowing when I'll be leaving and grateful that I don't have to hide my sadness as much as anymore.  I kind of felt like I had to hold it in as best I could, since my situation wasn't going to be changing anytime soon - I needed to keep up a happy face, so that others wouldn't be brought down by me.

Anyway, I am hopeful that I will find something back in Oklahoma; I am still applying for jobs and waiting to hear back from others.  I know that my heart and my ambitions are both big enough, I am just waiting for the right employer to see it.  I am content with putting in the hard work and dedication, because I really believe it will land me a job that I love in the end.  Well, that's the way it seems to go for others anyway lol  Until then I'm just trying to stay busy here in Bfield with work and.. well work really, doctors appts., trying to maintain a stable mental health.. and just other odds and ends that need wrapping up here.

Thank you all so much for continuing to support me by reading this blog, it really means so very much. And a special thank you to my amazing and perfect boyfriend Scott - you really don't know how very much your love and motivation mean to me.  You are the strongest rock I've ever known.  I love you.

Thanks again everyone, I hope you all have a beautiful week.  Talk soon!

L&V,

Rach