..this is what I've been whispering to myself over and over for the last hour. What started out as my daily evening walk, ended up being just a total breakdown. I'm still crying as I write this entry. I just need to go home. I cry every day. It just isn't healthy to be this unhappy. I am frustrated that I cannot put into words what is pouring out of my eyes, frustrated that I cannot explain the pain that sits in my heart and the sadness that fills my half-empty soul. This experience just is not worth it. I've tried for months now; I've tried to be patient, tried to be positive, tried to focus on the finish line, and at the end of each day, I am just as discontent and upset.
I have applied for four jobs within the last week; if one of them does not bring me home, I am seriously considering just bringing myself home.. From the outside, a lot of you are probably thinking, why doesn't she just go home then?? Why is she even still there? If you could see the debt that I have, you would see why, as sad as it sounds, money is the reason that is keeping me here. If it didn't mean losing a paycheck every two weeks, I would have stayed home when I went to Oklahoma last month. That is the reason why I am trying to monkey bar my way from one job to another and not just quit this one with nothing else to grab on to.
However, my mental health is more important than any amount of money I owe and I am trying to find the balance between the two. How unhealthy can I be? How much debt can I allow to pile up? How long can I allow myself to be unemployed again before I go crazy? The state of my health is slowly winning the arm wrestle, and I am trying my best to minimize the the transition.
Like I said, I have four jobs in the queue, and I am giving them until the end of the month to pan out. If none of them come to fruition, I think I am going to start looking into options to bring myself home. Thank you so much to all of you who are going through this heart break with me, and to you others who are just sick of hearing of my "heart ache" lol Much love to you all.
L&V,
Rachel
Aw Rach... Anything I can do to help, please let me know. I'm serious. Tell me. My heart hurts that you are in so much pain... I want you to go back to Scott as soon as possible, so your heart and spirit can be whole again. Anything I can do. Tell me.
ReplyDeleteYou do know on your evening walk, at any time, you can walk to me, call me, even to have a close up person who is detached... who will listen, and hug, or not... or whatever so you won't feel so alone.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts with you....