I don't know why, but these last few weeks seem bound and determined to be the hardest.. every night seems to be a sleepless one full of (in this order) gun shots, fire works, barking dog pound, gun shots, fire works, barking dog pound, gun shots.. oh wait there's one more gun shot and more barking dogs. I finally head to bed with the dogs still barking throughout the neighborhood and our residents birds being equally loud (this includes ducks, geese, chickens, roosters, pigeons and guinea fowl). This lasts from about 9-11 pm. I somehow finally fall asleep but am then woken around 3 am to our dog just sitting in the driveway barking, as if someone's paid him off to keep it up... I am literally going insane here. As if my mental state wasn't bad enough, I am now losing sleep and being sent into a bad physical state...
Being at home with all this commotion has been very hard, but at this point, being at work just isn't any better. Things just aren't well for me at work; they have been culminating to a pinnacle and I don't know if it's because I'm leaving soon, or because I really am getting to the end of my rope, but this seems to be the worst it's been all summer. :( I am very grateful to be done with this work week, only two more to go. This job has not honestly been what I wanted it to be, and haven't gotten as much out of it as I had hoped, but that's what happens when you have expectations - or so a wise person tells me lol I did though, I did have expectations for learning more and making great progress in my botany skills, so it's just been kind of a let-down. I really wanted to contribute to the office more and make some kind of difference and gain great skills that would match the great employer I work for. I came here as a professional, looking to enter into a professional agency and carry out professional and important tasks.
Keeping in tune with all the other struggles, is the unhealthy lack of nurturing relationships that I have built here. I literally do not have one friend here. Granted I did not make the same effort as I have in other places I've lived, but Bakersfield just does not lend itself to 'friendliness' for me. And at this point, I'm so sick of being harassed by random men that I'm ready to just mace or shank anyone who even looks my way anymore. Bakersfield has jaded me in this regard and so I think after a while, I just shut down. Not wanting to make the effort to find groups and causes that I was interested in, not wanting to seek out relationships and friends really. And it doesn't help when you just work and sleep. My office is full of older adults and so that venue doesn't really lend itself to a great pool of close friends. But alas, I wasn't really looking to be social anyway, which is weird and sad because I consider myself very social and outgoing. Again, Bakersfield.. I don't know.. just oppressive I guess. I have been much a different person here, and not in a good way. It'll be good to get home and get back to my old self.
Bakersfield has just been a very weird experience for me in general. I didn't come here to make friends or have a good time in the first place. I came here to pay bills and gain experience. It's just finally come to my attention that you can't ignore all the other needs you still have like love, happiness, comfortability, enjoyment of life, etc. So, I am going home soon and in the process trading out some less needed qualities for much-needed others. My head is already there and my heart is dragging my body along with it. Just counting down the days and trying my hardest to stay busy until then.
This post is probably one of the lowest of the lows, so I can guarantee that my next post will only be better! lol I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, have fun and be safe - and as always, thank you so much for taking the time to read my feelings. As scary as it is to put your emotions out there sometimes, it really means so much to have people to share them with.
Love & velvet,
Rach
Friday, June 29, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Counting Down the Days Now
Ohhhh man.. how do I say this in an understandable way..
I recently bought a ticket to go home early, and to stay home.. but I am but I'm still trying to get excited about it, and please let me explain why. I mean initially, when Scott and I talked about dates and finally picked one, and I bought my ticket, I was ecstatic. I hate ambiguity, I hate gray, I hated not knowing when I was actually going to be coming home. So putting a date on it was both relieving and exciting.
However, as Scott can attest, I am still swinging back and forth on the emotional pendulum. I am still struggling here, so much so, that I can't even see the 14th of July (when I go home). It is only three weeks away and I know as time passes I will definitely become more excited. But right now, I can't even see Monday, let alone the middle of July. I am on my knees and elbows, crawling, just one day at a time to still get through this. I can't even look at a calendar and be phased, for I am only looking at today. Friday and Saturday were pretty horrible and included a lot of crying and a lot of support from my loving and caring boyfriend. I am not out of the woods yet, in my mind anyway, and am just trying to make it through these next three weeks. I still spend every day without my love, away from the life I am supposed to be a part of.. I want to stop crying, stop feeling sad, stop yearning for home.. I just still really need that day to be here.
With that said, I am grateful that there is a definitive end date now, grateful that I can be honest with my boss about why I can't be here anymore, grateful that I am able to get this "secret" of going home off my chest to him and my landlord and co-worker. Grateful at the fact that I can show enthusiasm about knowing when I'll be leaving and grateful that I don't have to hide my sadness as much as anymore. I kind of felt like I had to hold it in as best I could, since my situation wasn't going to be changing anytime soon - I needed to keep up a happy face, so that others wouldn't be brought down by me.
Anyway, I am hopeful that I will find something back in Oklahoma; I am still applying for jobs and waiting to hear back from others. I know that my heart and my ambitions are both big enough, I am just waiting for the right employer to see it. I am content with putting in the hard work and dedication, because I really believe it will land me a job that I love in the end. Well, that's the way it seems to go for others anyway lol Until then I'm just trying to stay busy here in Bfield with work and.. well work really, doctors appts., trying to maintain a stable mental health.. and just other odds and ends that need wrapping up here.
Thank you all so much for continuing to support me by reading this blog, it really means so very much. And a special thank you to my amazing and perfect boyfriend Scott - you really don't know how very much your love and motivation mean to me. You are the strongest rock I've ever known. I love you.
Thanks again everyone, I hope you all have a beautiful week. Talk soon!
L&V,
Rach
I recently bought a ticket to go home early, and to stay home.. but I am but I'm still trying to get excited about it, and please let me explain why. I mean initially, when Scott and I talked about dates and finally picked one, and I bought my ticket, I was ecstatic. I hate ambiguity, I hate gray, I hated not knowing when I was actually going to be coming home. So putting a date on it was both relieving and exciting.
However, as Scott can attest, I am still swinging back and forth on the emotional pendulum. I am still struggling here, so much so, that I can't even see the 14th of July (when I go home). It is only three weeks away and I know as time passes I will definitely become more excited. But right now, I can't even see Monday, let alone the middle of July. I am on my knees and elbows, crawling, just one day at a time to still get through this. I can't even look at a calendar and be phased, for I am only looking at today. Friday and Saturday were pretty horrible and included a lot of crying and a lot of support from my loving and caring boyfriend. I am not out of the woods yet, in my mind anyway, and am just trying to make it through these next three weeks. I still spend every day without my love, away from the life I am supposed to be a part of.. I want to stop crying, stop feeling sad, stop yearning for home.. I just still really need that day to be here.
With that said, I am grateful that there is a definitive end date now, grateful that I can be honest with my boss about why I can't be here anymore, grateful that I am able to get this "secret" of going home off my chest to him and my landlord and co-worker. Grateful at the fact that I can show enthusiasm about knowing when I'll be leaving and grateful that I don't have to hide my sadness as much as anymore. I kind of felt like I had to hold it in as best I could, since my situation wasn't going to be changing anytime soon - I needed to keep up a happy face, so that others wouldn't be brought down by me.
Anyway, I am hopeful that I will find something back in Oklahoma; I am still applying for jobs and waiting to hear back from others. I know that my heart and my ambitions are both big enough, I am just waiting for the right employer to see it. I am content with putting in the hard work and dedication, because I really believe it will land me a job that I love in the end. Well, that's the way it seems to go for others anyway lol Until then I'm just trying to stay busy here in Bfield with work and.. well work really, doctors appts., trying to maintain a stable mental health.. and just other odds and ends that need wrapping up here.
Thank you all so much for continuing to support me by reading this blog, it really means so very much. And a special thank you to my amazing and perfect boyfriend Scott - you really don't know how very much your love and motivation mean to me. You are the strongest rock I've ever known. I love you.
Thanks again everyone, I hope you all have a beautiful week. Talk soon!
L&V,
Rach
Thursday, June 21, 2012
A Snake, a Cave, and of Course, Flowers
Hello good folks and lovely people,
Here's what I've been up to, this week and last! Last week, I went back to the San Joaquin River Gorge for some more seed collecting for a couple of days. K and I collected at least 10,000 seeds from each of the following: Brodiaea elegans (Harvest Brodiaea), Castilleja attenuata (attenuate Indian paintbrush), Collinsia heterophylla (purple Chinese houses) and Phacelia egena (rock Phacelia or Kaweah River Phacelia). Only four species, but it took two days; after about 1130 in the morning, the heat was just unbearable, in the low 100's both days. But it was really great to get four more collections for the national Seeds of Success project (and to keep some seed for local use at the visitor's center). Before K and I started, there was no SOS collection team for our area, thus no collections from this region. So I am just really glad to have some seed in the bank! We've collected about 15 sets of seed since we got here, woo hoo!
After a day of wretched heat, we went to this awesome cave on our property. If you already know about it, great! If you don't, I'm not gonna tell you the name of it or where it is because if you go to it and end up busting your butt, I don't wanna be held responsible. Anyway, it was this great, gorgeous, gorgeous cave carved so beautifully out of granite, and "is the world's most notable example of a corrasional cave". I really wish I had thought to take better pictures to display this phenomenon, but ya know, I was busy worrying if one of those creatures from The Descent was going to have the last of me lol The cave was scary and awesome, the water freezing and refreshing. I looked up this cave online afterwards just to see if anyone one had any other pictures... and they did!! Pictures with rattlesnakes (live!) in the water, dead rats and mice, etc. The spring rains had flushed all of what would have been in there, out, so all we saw was clean, fresh water, but I'm glad I didn't see those pics before I went into the cave or else I probably would not have gone! lol
The next day, I went out in the field with Denis to the aforementioned Lamont Meadows where I: saw my first rattlesnake, laughed as Denis put the wrong keys in the ignition and couldn't get them out, saw pretty, pretty flowers (albeit few and far between), pulled bull thistle, checked on fencing for repairs, and helped change a flat after Denis ran over a huge rock. It all made for a good day, but I must admit that I still get my hopes up for a visit to a site with water and greenery.. lol when will I stop hoping?! Oh well.
Friday I was off, and then.. the weekend. Omg, the 100+ degree weekend. Saturday was 105 and Sunday was 107!!! As my friend Tony would say, I coulda made a sidewalk omelet! Needless to say, it was a very low-key weekend, except for looking for sources of reprieve! I think I just ended up in my room each night, sweating, with a bottle of wine (thanks mom), playing movies on my ready-to-overheat-and-combust laptop. But I survived, probably with a few less electrolytes in me, but it was a victory nonetheless. Later this week it's supposed to cool down (upper 80s), so I'm pretty stoked for that :)
Monday and Tuesday were low-key office days, filled with herbarium specimens, picture-taking of seeds, and completing data sheets. Today, (Wednesday), I got to go out in the field to a new parcel for a rangeland health assessment (or an RHA - previously known as an S&G). Myself and five others headed up to a piece of BLM property called Fay Canyon, up highway 178 east, past Lake Isabella. It's a 500 acre parcel used for grazing and we were there to check out the damage, if any, that this use was having. It was a long and hot, 100-degree day, but I saw enough milkweeds to make up for the panting! :) There were at least four different milkweeds, 2 kinds of gourds, a species of Phacelia, some huge cottonwoods, Pinus sabiniana (gray pine), a Choya cactus - and in regards to animals, I saw a tarantula hawk (they loooove milkweed), cows (of course) and a skittish jackrabbit.
The rest of the week is also scheduled to be in the office, but hopefully next week we will be out to collect more seeds that are ready! We need to get back up to the Carrizo and then to the opposite side of the valley, into Keyesville. Stay tuned! Thanks as always for reading and following me on my days, you all are just wonderful. :)
Love & velvet,
Rachel
Here's what I've been up to, this week and last! Last week, I went back to the San Joaquin River Gorge for some more seed collecting for a couple of days. K and I collected at least 10,000 seeds from each of the following: Brodiaea elegans (Harvest Brodiaea), Castilleja attenuata (attenuate Indian paintbrush), Collinsia heterophylla (purple Chinese houses) and Phacelia egena (rock Phacelia or Kaweah River Phacelia). Only four species, but it took two days; after about 1130 in the morning, the heat was just unbearable, in the low 100's both days. But it was really great to get four more collections for the national Seeds of Success project (and to keep some seed for local use at the visitor's center). Before K and I started, there was no SOS collection team for our area, thus no collections from this region. So I am just really glad to have some seed in the bank! We've collected about 15 sets of seed since we got here, woo hoo!
 |
| The San Joaquin River |
 |
| ONLY 103!!! |
After a day of wretched heat, we went to this awesome cave on our property. If you already know about it, great! If you don't, I'm not gonna tell you the name of it or where it is because if you go to it and end up busting your butt, I don't wanna be held responsible. Anyway, it was this great, gorgeous, gorgeous cave carved so beautifully out of granite, and "is the world's most notable example of a corrasional cave". I really wish I had thought to take better pictures to display this phenomenon, but ya know, I was busy worrying if one of those creatures from The Descent was going to have the last of me lol The cave was scary and awesome, the water freezing and refreshing. I looked up this cave online afterwards just to see if anyone one had any other pictures... and they did!! Pictures with rattlesnakes (live!) in the water, dead rats and mice, etc. The spring rains had flushed all of what would have been in there, out, so all we saw was clean, fresh water, but I'm glad I didn't see those pics before I went into the cave or else I probably would not have gone! lol
 |
| Looking back toward the entrance to the cave |
 |
| The first part of the cave where there is still enough natural light to see |
 |
| Climbing in here an intense rush for me, but also very.. I don't know.. mesmerizing and brought about a sort of tactile pleasure - my hands did not want to climb, they wanted to just stay fixed and feel the granite.. |
 |
| (borrowed photo) How gorgeous are these carved out curvatures?! Like each one was architecturally planned.. each pool carved out from the stencil of a compass.. I love how perfect nature is. |
The next day, I went out in the field with Denis to the aforementioned Lamont Meadows where I: saw my first rattlesnake, laughed as Denis put the wrong keys in the ignition and couldn't get them out, saw pretty, pretty flowers (albeit few and far between), pulled bull thistle, checked on fencing for repairs, and helped change a flat after Denis ran over a huge rock. It all made for a good day, but I must admit that I still get my hopes up for a visit to a site with water and greenery.. lol when will I stop hoping?! Oh well.
 |
| He got aggressive super fast! |
 |
| After his rattle show, he tried to escape |
 |
| Penstemon |
 |
| Western Columbine - Aquilegia formosa |
 |
| My new favorite flower!!! It's a native thistle, Cirsium occidentale, not sure of the variety yet |
 |
| She's about 3 feet tall |
Friday I was off, and then.. the weekend. Omg, the 100+ degree weekend. Saturday was 105 and Sunday was 107!!! As my friend Tony would say, I coulda made a sidewalk omelet! Needless to say, it was a very low-key weekend, except for looking for sources of reprieve! I think I just ended up in my room each night, sweating, with a bottle of wine (thanks mom), playing movies on my ready-to-overheat-and-combust laptop. But I survived, probably with a few less electrolytes in me, but it was a victory nonetheless. Later this week it's supposed to cool down (upper 80s), so I'm pretty stoked for that :)
Monday and Tuesday were low-key office days, filled with herbarium specimens, picture-taking of seeds, and completing data sheets. Today, (Wednesday), I got to go out in the field to a new parcel for a rangeland health assessment (or an RHA - previously known as an S&G). Myself and five others headed up to a piece of BLM property called Fay Canyon, up highway 178 east, past Lake Isabella. It's a 500 acre parcel used for grazing and we were there to check out the damage, if any, that this use was having. It was a long and hot, 100-degree day, but I saw enough milkweeds to make up for the panting! :) There were at least four different milkweeds, 2 kinds of gourds, a species of Phacelia, some huge cottonwoods, Pinus sabiniana (gray pine), a Choya cactus - and in regards to animals, I saw a tarantula hawk (they loooove milkweed), cows (of course) and a skittish jackrabbit.
 |
| Unknown species (but gorgeous!) beetles on a slender-leaf milkweed (Asclepias fascicularis) |
 |
| Don't you just love heliotropes?! They are so pretty and cute and make me happy :) (Heliotropium curvassicum) |
 |
| These cottonwoods were huge!!! They came about during an earlier time when there was more water here to support them |
 |
| Can you see where the natural seepage eventually putters out?? (green vs brown in the background) |
 |
| A tarantula hawk on a desert milkweed (Asclepias erosa) |
 |
| Part of our field site |
 |
| Close up of a milkweed head, infested with aphids |
 |
| One of two native gourds we found out here - (Cucurbita foetidissima) |
The rest of the week is also scheduled to be in the office, but hopefully next week we will be out to collect more seeds that are ready! We need to get back up to the Carrizo and then to the opposite side of the valley, into Keyesville. Stay tuned! Thanks as always for reading and following me on my days, you all are just wonderful. :)
Love & velvet,
Rachel
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I Need to Go Home...
..this is what I've been whispering to myself over and over for the last hour. What started out as my daily evening walk, ended up being just a total breakdown. I'm still crying as I write this entry. I just need to go home. I cry every day. It just isn't healthy to be this unhappy. I am frustrated that I cannot put into words what is pouring out of my eyes, frustrated that I cannot explain the pain that sits in my heart and the sadness that fills my half-empty soul. This experience just is not worth it. I've tried for months now; I've tried to be patient, tried to be positive, tried to focus on the finish line, and at the end of each day, I am just as discontent and upset.
I have applied for four jobs within the last week; if one of them does not bring me home, I am seriously considering just bringing myself home.. From the outside, a lot of you are probably thinking, why doesn't she just go home then?? Why is she even still there? If you could see the debt that I have, you would see why, as sad as it sounds, money is the reason that is keeping me here. If it didn't mean losing a paycheck every two weeks, I would have stayed home when I went to Oklahoma last month. That is the reason why I am trying to monkey bar my way from one job to another and not just quit this one with nothing else to grab on to.
However, my mental health is more important than any amount of money I owe and I am trying to find the balance between the two. How unhealthy can I be? How much debt can I allow to pile up? How long can I allow myself to be unemployed again before I go crazy? The state of my health is slowly winning the arm wrestle, and I am trying my best to minimize the the transition.
Like I said, I have four jobs in the queue, and I am giving them until the end of the month to pan out. If none of them come to fruition, I think I am going to start looking into options to bring myself home. Thank you so much to all of you who are going through this heart break with me, and to you others who are just sick of hearing of my "heart ache" lol Much love to you all.
L&V,
Rachel
I have applied for four jobs within the last week; if one of them does not bring me home, I am seriously considering just bringing myself home.. From the outside, a lot of you are probably thinking, why doesn't she just go home then?? Why is she even still there? If you could see the debt that I have, you would see why, as sad as it sounds, money is the reason that is keeping me here. If it didn't mean losing a paycheck every two weeks, I would have stayed home when I went to Oklahoma last month. That is the reason why I am trying to monkey bar my way from one job to another and not just quit this one with nothing else to grab on to.
However, my mental health is more important than any amount of money I owe and I am trying to find the balance between the two. How unhealthy can I be? How much debt can I allow to pile up? How long can I allow myself to be unemployed again before I go crazy? The state of my health is slowly winning the arm wrestle, and I am trying my best to minimize the the transition.
Like I said, I have four jobs in the queue, and I am giving them until the end of the month to pan out. If none of them come to fruition, I think I am going to start looking into options to bring myself home. Thank you so much to all of you who are going through this heart break with me, and to you others who are just sick of hearing of my "heart ache" lol Much love to you all.
L&V,
Rachel
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Please cross your fingers for meeee!! and look at some baby chikkas too!
Hi all, here's what's been happening since last weekend:
Not too much field work went down during this last week of work; went out the Carrizo hoping to collect some bladderpod (Peritoma arborea) and buckwheat (Eriogonum fasciculatum var. polifolium), but neither of them were ready to collect, their seeds were still maturing. This was the only day I went out in the field; the rest of the week I was studying up and getting my GIS training on, hard core :) This coming week though, I'll be doing an overnight trip back up in the San Joaquin River Gorge, where the Bioblitz was last month. There's definitely some good seed up there ready to be collected. And then on Thursday, Denis is going to take us up to Lamont Meadow for some seed recon. work and to fix some fencing up there. Lamont Meadow, part of the Back Country Byway, is up in the foothills of the southern Sierras, so I am super excited as to what this will hold. (Please let it be wetter up there and more lush, please please please...) It's also supposed to be in the low 100's this week - I am not looking forward to the summer in southern California!!! :-/
In other work aspects, I am still looking for jobs back in Oklahoma, and actually found three to apply for this week! Hooray! I am really happy at the productivity I was able to make, and excited at the prospect of getting back home, aaand finding jobs that I would really enjoy, not just a job that I would have to take. None of them are in Stillwater unfortunately, but they are all within an hour or two which works for me! Keeping my eyes peeled for more jobs and my fingers crossed that one of these three comes to fruition. Until then, I've got my nose to the grindstone as always, learning learning learning! While I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I really am getting anxious to come home and stay home. It's unbelievable that I only left Scott and Oklahoma a week ago; it already feels like it's been a month. I'm trying not to think of how much longer I'm here though, since no one has the answer to that. Just trying to stay positive and stay busy looking for jobs, the former of which is surely only been made possible thanks to the love and motivation of my friends, family and wonderful boyfriend.
Yesterday (Saturday) was my chores/catch-up/errands day, but today I had decided to partake in a Sierra Club field trip to the Tule Elk State Natural Reserve. It's about a half an hour west of town and consists of a parcel of about 1000 acres, 600 of which are used for the Tule Elk to roam on. It was nice to get out of the city for a bit and see some good wildlife. Besides the elk, I saw two coyotes, a jack rabbit and a bunch of burrowing owls. We listened to the very informative park ranger, Bill, tell us everything about the elk and the Reserve. The Sierra Club chose this park to visit because it is on the list of 70 state parks scheduled to close this year due to a lacking state budget. The Reserve at current, is only open three days a week, (Fri-Sun), but is scheduled to close indefinitely starting in July, unless more funding is found. Bill said they had located a short reprieve of funding, but that it was only temporary, and after that goes dry, if no more funding is found, the elk will be released to open spaces in the area of the state where they are native. At this point, there will be no protection of these once near-extinct animals from natural predators or unnatural ones, like hunters. It was a wonderful sight, but the overall tone was seemingly demure as the outing leader, Lorraine talked to everyone about writing to your local senator, and as Mike, a local Sierra Club member, explained to his son, 5-year old Lucas, why the elk might not be here in a little while. I understand that there are a lot of things that a budget has to include, but it just makes me so incredibly sad that budget choices have to be made between what I think is important and what someone else thinks is important. Parks, natural spaces and open areas are considered a luxury, a gluttonous expense, when a multi-source-income state can't budget its money appropriately. Anyway, I won't start soap boxing, don't worry. Here are some pictures I took out at the Reserve today, enjoy.
Until next time.
Love & velvet,
Rach
Not too much field work went down during this last week of work; went out the Carrizo hoping to collect some bladderpod (Peritoma arborea) and buckwheat (Eriogonum fasciculatum var. polifolium), but neither of them were ready to collect, their seeds were still maturing. This was the only day I went out in the field; the rest of the week I was studying up and getting my GIS training on, hard core :) This coming week though, I'll be doing an overnight trip back up in the San Joaquin River Gorge, where the Bioblitz was last month. There's definitely some good seed up there ready to be collected. And then on Thursday, Denis is going to take us up to Lamont Meadow for some seed recon. work and to fix some fencing up there. Lamont Meadow, part of the Back Country Byway, is up in the foothills of the southern Sierras, so I am super excited as to what this will hold. (Please let it be wetter up there and more lush, please please please...) It's also supposed to be in the low 100's this week - I am not looking forward to the summer in southern California!!! :-/
In other work aspects, I am still looking for jobs back in Oklahoma, and actually found three to apply for this week! Hooray! I am really happy at the productivity I was able to make, and excited at the prospect of getting back home, aaand finding jobs that I would really enjoy, not just a job that I would have to take. None of them are in Stillwater unfortunately, but they are all within an hour or two which works for me! Keeping my eyes peeled for more jobs and my fingers crossed that one of these three comes to fruition. Until then, I've got my nose to the grindstone as always, learning learning learning! While I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I really am getting anxious to come home and stay home. It's unbelievable that I only left Scott and Oklahoma a week ago; it already feels like it's been a month. I'm trying not to think of how much longer I'm here though, since no one has the answer to that. Just trying to stay positive and stay busy looking for jobs, the former of which is surely only been made possible thanks to the love and motivation of my friends, family and wonderful boyfriend.
 |
| And I need to get home so I can be with these girls before they're all grown up! Can you believe they are just over 5 weeks?! |
 |
| Ah, they're so cute and almost all feathered out!! Did I tell you that Scott and I finally named them - Fern, Ivy and Lily :) |
Yesterday (Saturday) was my chores/catch-up/errands day, but today I had decided to partake in a Sierra Club field trip to the Tule Elk State Natural Reserve. It's about a half an hour west of town and consists of a parcel of about 1000 acres, 600 of which are used for the Tule Elk to roam on. It was nice to get out of the city for a bit and see some good wildlife. Besides the elk, I saw two coyotes, a jack rabbit and a bunch of burrowing owls. We listened to the very informative park ranger, Bill, tell us everything about the elk and the Reserve. The Sierra Club chose this park to visit because it is on the list of 70 state parks scheduled to close this year due to a lacking state budget. The Reserve at current, is only open three days a week, (Fri-Sun), but is scheduled to close indefinitely starting in July, unless more funding is found. Bill said they had located a short reprieve of funding, but that it was only temporary, and after that goes dry, if no more funding is found, the elk will be released to open spaces in the area of the state where they are native. At this point, there will be no protection of these once near-extinct animals from natural predators or unnatural ones, like hunters. It was a wonderful sight, but the overall tone was seemingly demure as the outing leader, Lorraine talked to everyone about writing to your local senator, and as Mike, a local Sierra Club member, explained to his son, 5-year old Lucas, why the elk might not be here in a little while. I understand that there are a lot of things that a budget has to include, but it just makes me so incredibly sad that budget choices have to be made between what I think is important and what someone else thinks is important. Parks, natural spaces and open areas are considered a luxury, a gluttonous expense, when a multi-source-income state can't budget its money appropriately. Anyway, I won't start soap boxing, don't worry. Here are some pictures I took out at the Reserve today, enjoy.
 |
| Bill, telling us a million great facts about the elk, the area, the people and all of the history |
 |
| Solar panels that pump water from wells into the sloughs and swales on site. The Kern River used to run through this area, but was diverted many years ago, so water is now pumped up for the wildlife when needed. |
 |
| The females, and 1- and 2-year old calves. The males are the ones with the horns but are too young yet, to survive on their own |
 |
| The adult males, running away from us. They usually stay away from the rest of the herd until mating season. |
Until next time.
Love & velvet,
Rach
Monday, June 4, 2012
Stuck (aka Trapped)
I really just want to cry tonight. I am crying. I feel as I did when I got here the first time - alone, sad and much like a salmon, fighting an upstream current that won't let me get home. I feel dejected and discouraged. I can't write this cover letter to save my life and all I need is a fantastic cover letter to spring me back to where I need to be. I'm not good at not being productive. I wrench myself to work harder, do more - even when my emotions are not in the right place to allow me to do so. My heart and my head don't always work as a team and that is the case tonight. My heart is lonesome and sad and just wants more than anything to be home. My head is beating my heart like a race horse to get it into gear and be productive and do work, so that we can get home. But my heart just doesn't have it in her tonight. So my head is angry for not being productive and my heart is sad for being so far away from my love.. I just can't win tonight it seems. Tonight, I am struggling, tonight I am stuck.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
The Happiest Place on Earth!
I am in Oklahoma now and couldn't be happier! I never thought I'd say that lol but when the love of your life is in Oklahoma, you suddenly love Oklahoma too! I got here last Wednesday, just hours after Scott got the keys to our new house :) This last week has been spent cleaning out the old place, packing up our stuff for the one mile jaunt east to the new place, and then finally settling in here and unpacking and making minor repairs. I just loooooove our new house!! It's a cute 2/1 with a really good size back yard. We have onions and tomatoes so far, and just got three baby chicks!! So we'll have eggs too in the next 4 or 5 months :)
We haven't really gone anywhere crazy/amazing. We've just been setting up the house which makes me just as happy :) Fixing little things and setting up our baby chicks' house and watering plants - it's just so ridiculously, unbelievably nice.. I am so happy here; content, peaceful and so happy.. it is so indescribably wonderful, being with Scott again. When I was here in February, he was suuuuuper busy with classes and getting his research off the ground; but now classes are out and things have calmed down for now with his work. It's just been really wonderful spending so much time with him.. things are just so perfect that it's hard to believe that I have to go back to Bakersfield in just a few days.. hard to believe but also hard to forget.
I really, really REALLY do not want to leave.. I am trying not to think about it, but it is just so imminent. I really feel like I am just in a dream right now and that Bakersfield is reality. It's just.. yeah, it's just going to be very hard come Saturday. I've been looking for jobs since I posted about on here last month; I've found some jobs and had an interview or two, but with nothing coming to fruition. I am trying so hard to find something here, it just seems so very impossible..
 |
| Our sweet baby chikkas :) |
We haven't really gone anywhere crazy/amazing. We've just been setting up the house which makes me just as happy :) Fixing little things and setting up our baby chicks' house and watering plants - it's just so ridiculously, unbelievably nice.. I am so happy here; content, peaceful and so happy.. it is so indescribably wonderful, being with Scott again. When I was here in February, he was suuuuuper busy with classes and getting his research off the ground; but now classes are out and things have calmed down for now with his work. It's just been really wonderful spending so much time with him.. things are just so perfect that it's hard to believe that I have to go back to Bakersfield in just a few days.. hard to believe but also hard to forget.
 |
| Gushing and euphoric with my love, at the OSU Botanic Garden <3 |
. . .
Well, here I am Sunday morning, pulled from my dream and plucked back into reality. If Oklahoma is the happiest place on earth, I am now residing in the opposite. After a one hour boarding delay, a layover, waiting 2 hours to board my 2-hour shuttle ride to Bakersfield and a taxi ride after that, I made it home a little after 1 a.m. this morning. Yesterday was just horrible. I cried myself to sleep Friday night, cried in the shower, cried at the check in counter, as I went through security, while I waited for and boarded the plane.. At least on the plane, the engine was loud enough so no one could hear me crying. So yeah, long story short, yesterday was hard. I hated leaving Scott and our new home and our baby chicks.. I know that everyone thinks they have perfection in their relationship, and I'm no different. And when you find perfection, when you know you've got it, you don't need or want to be anywhere else.. As Harry would say, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
So anyway, it's Sunday and I've quickly morphed into my go-to character of fighting instead of wallowing, no matter how easy it may be to just do the latter. Nothing keeps me down for too long, and I am grateful for the continual tenacity that my mind and heart produce, even when I think it's just impossible. I've hit the ground running again here, continuing to look for jobs and doing my best and learning all I can at work while I'm still here.
As always, thank you all for reading; I hope you're having a beautiful weekend.
Love & velvet,
Rachel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)