I don't know why, but these last few weeks seem bound and determined to be the hardest.. every night seems to be a sleepless one full of (in this order) gun shots, fire works, barking dog pound, gun shots, fire works, barking dog pound, gun shots.. oh wait there's one more gun shot and more barking dogs. I finally head to bed with the dogs still barking throughout the neighborhood and our residents birds being equally loud (this includes ducks, geese, chickens, roosters, pigeons and guinea fowl). This lasts from about 9-11 pm. I somehow finally fall asleep but am then woken around 3 am to our dog just sitting in the driveway barking, as if someone's paid him off to keep it up... I am literally going insane here. As if my mental state wasn't bad enough, I am now losing sleep and being sent into a bad physical state...
Being at home with all this commotion has been very hard, but at this point, being at work just isn't any better. Things just aren't well for me at work; they have been culminating to a pinnacle and I don't know if it's because I'm leaving soon, or because I really am getting to the end of my rope, but this seems to be the worst it's been all summer. :( I am very grateful to be done with this work week, only two more to go. This job has not honestly been what I wanted it to be, and haven't gotten as much out of it as I had hoped, but that's what happens when you have expectations - or so a wise person tells me lol I did though, I did have expectations for learning more and making great progress in my botany skills, so it's just been kind of a let-down. I really wanted to contribute to the office more and make some kind of difference and gain great skills that would match the great employer I work for. I came here as a professional, looking to enter into a professional agency and carry out professional and important tasks.
Keeping in tune with all the other struggles, is the unhealthy lack of nurturing relationships that I have built here. I literally do not have one friend here. Granted I did not make the same effort as I have in other places I've lived, but Bakersfield just does not lend itself to 'friendliness' for me. And at this point, I'm so sick of being harassed by random men that I'm ready to just mace or shank anyone who even looks my way anymore. Bakersfield has jaded me in this regard and so I think after a while, I just shut down. Not wanting to make the effort to find groups and causes that I was interested in, not wanting to seek out relationships and friends really. And it doesn't help when you just work and sleep. My office is full of older adults and so that venue doesn't really lend itself to a great pool of close friends. But alas, I wasn't really looking to be social anyway, which is weird and sad because I consider myself very social and outgoing. Again, Bakersfield.. I don't know.. just oppressive I guess. I have been much a different person here, and not in a good way. It'll be good to get home and get back to my old self.
Bakersfield has just been a very weird experience for me in general. I didn't come here to make friends or have a good time in the first place. I came here to pay bills and gain experience. It's just finally come to my attention that you can't ignore all the other needs you still have like love, happiness, comfortability, enjoyment of life, etc. So, I am going home soon and in the process trading out some less needed qualities for much-needed others. My head is already there and my heart is dragging my body along with it. Just counting down the days and trying my hardest to stay busy until then.
This post is probably one of the lowest of the lows, so I can guarantee that my next post will only be better! lol I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, have fun and be safe - and as always, thank you so much for taking the time to read my feelings. As scary as it is to put your emotions out there sometimes, it really means so much to have people to share them with.
Love & velvet,
Rach
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