Thursday Night

I got an email from Southwest saying, "Your trip is around the corner!"  Around the corner?  It's four days away; that's not just around the corner, I thought.  Nonetheless, I forwarded it to Scott.  He emailed me back, asking enthusiastically asking me if it felt real now.  I told him that sadly, it didn't.  It still feels so far away.  I told him that I think Thursday night after work, that's when I'll start to get excited.
I don't know how to explain it.. I'm in this so deep, whatever "this" is - I'm in it so deep that I still can't see the light of my trip home on Saturday.  I not sad anymore, but I'm nowhere near excited.  I'm kind of in this in-between state, I just feel kind of numb.  In limbo.  In mid-air.  Like when you're jumping from one side of the ledge to the other.. Just nothing.  I just want to be home already and it's still not time yet; that's all that I'm thinking about.  When it is time to go home, then I will be happy.
I told the rest of my office today during our staff meeting that this was my last week.  A co-worker came up to me afterwards asking if I was excited to be going.  "When are you leaving?" she asked.  "Saturday morning."  "You excited?!"  I mumbled that no, I really wasn't.  I think people have a very hard time understanding where I am right now, with my emotions and it's understandable.  I think it's something that I only can fully comprehend and even those closest to me are a distance from the understanding of it all.  I really just wish I could hand people my brain to wear for a little while so they could really know what I mean, as opposed to me grasping for words to explain my thoughts.
I have been ready to go since April.. so no, I really am not excited.  I've been waiting months to get home, waiting months for Saturday, the 14th of July.  Not for the 1st or the 5 or the 11th.  The 14th is what I want and need, and what I'm dragging myself to.  When that day is here.. oh, you'll know it.
This post was meant to be a vent, but I still don't feel like I really got out what I was trying to say.  Regardless, thank you for reading, and thank you doubly to all of you who have been so very supportive and loving during my limbo time.  My family, my bestie Nina and especially my relentlessly loving partner, Scott.

L & V,

Rachel