I have to be completely honest with you all. I'm very new to this whole blogging thing, and most of my posts have been very work-centric. I guess that's what I was hoping it would be, mostly. I wasn't expecting to have thoughts or emotions that I would have to decide whether or not to withhold. With that said, I have made my posts all pretty positive regarding this new experience and I have tried to be thankful and gracious for this opportunity that I have been afforded. And when I mention the love of my life, Scott, it is usually with as little sadness or negativity as possible, and just in passing, with a "I miss him" or "wish he was here" type blurb.. but I've been dealing with a lot more emotion than I've been sharing on here. For those of you who don't know the whole story, I'm sorry for any confusion; and for those of you who do, I thank you for your support.
I have been here for just over a month now, and throughout this time, it has not gotten any easier being away from Scott. I still find myself tearing up out of no where and falling asleep with his t-shirt in my clutches and wishing the days and weeks would pass faster so I could just get back home.. The weekends are the hardest to get through, not having a full eight hours of work to keep me distracted. It's just not an experience that I can say that I am fully committed to (mentally) like I wish I could be.
Like I said, I don't expect all of you to understand, but I feel like I just left Oklahoma before I was emotionally ready to. This experience, I think, would have been a lot better under different circumstances, if I were in a different place in my life. But at this point in time, I feel like it was a good-intentioned decision that has had less-than-positive outcomes. I thought I would be ok with this move and although he and I were both hesitant, we both came to the same conclusion for me to come out here. Professionally, I was very ready for this change, but personally, I was not at all.
Therefore, I have begun looking for and applying to jobs back in Oklahoma. I'm not sure how long I will stay in California, maybe just a month, maybe two or three. The deciding factor will be when I find a job in OK. I don't want to go back home just to sit on my thumbs and revert back to the lack of productivity I've had for the last 8 months prior to this job. I am trying to act smartly and take all factors into consideration - professional, emotional, monetary, personal, my passions..
I will continue to blog about my experiences through this internship until it ceases to continue. I'll also of course keep you informed on my transpiring events regarding my return to Oklahoma. Again, I thank you all for your support, love and understanding as I figure out what is best for me. And thank you for allowing me to be so open with you.
As always,
Love & velvet,
Rachel
You have to do what feels best and IS best for you. I think you are making the right decision by seeing what is there for you work-wise in OK. You are strong. And, I see that every time we talk and even when we don't talk. Your strength is evident in everything you do. :-) Keep us updated.
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